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 Need some advice with parents i am new...

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BigSiste
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PostSubject: Need some advice with parents i am new...    Tue Aug 07, 2012 2:57 am

My brother and his girlfriend were headed to dinner the other night and well they got hit by a drunk driver and there car got flipped about 4 times. Well they found a ring in my brother’s pocket I guess he was going to propose to his girlfriend they were both 23 years old and have been dating since they were 18 years old! Well she didn’t make it and she apparently died instantly! Well my parents and family don’t think we should tell him when he first wakes up or anything and that we should keep it hidden for a bit! But I disagree I think he deserves to know straight away! And on top of it they think he is going to want some alone time and to be away from everyone and think that’s a good idea but I also think that’s a bad idea! What should I do? I feel like I should tell him! Advice? I just do not know what to do with this whole situation and just feel protective of my brother and just want to do the right thing!
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LucyVanP
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PostSubject: Re: Need some advice with parents i am new...    Tue Aug 07, 2012 2:58 am

Re: Need some advice with parents i am new...
I am so sorry for your family's loss. This must be so difficult for you and your parents! I can hear your sorrow and love for your brother in your message.

Figuring out what is the right thing to do is difficult. I hope your parents have spoken to his doctors and they made their decision based on the doctor's advice. Grief at losing his love may hold back his recovery a little. He does need to know, but maybe it's a mercy to wait until he's stable. Is he asking about her?

You may be offering him a kindness by carrying this burden until he's ready, but that is hard on you, too. Have you spoken to a minister or a hospital chaplain?
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Bigsiste
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PostSubject: Re: Need some advice with parents i am new...    Tue Aug 07, 2012 2:59 am

No he hasn't woken up yet and his doctors are just really unsure and so my parents have been kind of assuming what to do when he does wake up and starts asking about her! And no i haven't spoken to anyone like this yet.
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KayKay
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PostSubject: Re: Need some advice with parents i am new...    Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:00 am

You're a good sister for caring so much. I'm so sorry for your family's situation.

I quoted the above because it shows how deeply you "feel" for your brother - you say you feel protective of him. Sadly, this is one of those times that you can't protect him... something bad has already happened.

The best thing for you to do is just be there for him. The hard part is to "be there" in the way that he needs. Does that make sense? A lot of times we want to react in ways that we want, and not in ways that are the ways we should react for the benefit of the person suffering. An example from my own life is when my dad died. I'm very much of an introvert and when I got the news that my dad had passed, I did what introverts do... I went "inwards." I have many well-meaning friends that are extroverts and reacted to my dad's news the way they wanted - making meals, visiting, wanting to talk about it (usually in their own terms, like the possibility of their own parent dying). It was all very well-intentioned and in a way I was grateful that I had friends who cared. But the way I wanted to grieve was to be alone, not talk, and certainly not to provide comfort for someone else's fears about their parent dying too. Since it was my dad and my grief, I was a little upset that they made it on their terms - it had to "be about them." It wasn't poor intentions on their parts... they were just unaware and unsure how to react. I'm not saying that you're doing that - I certainly can't tell - but maybe it's just something to think about. Smile

It seems to me that you and your parents have totally different opinions on what to do. I don't know that your parents are "right," but maybe they have some experience in dealing with grief or knowing your brother's temperment and what he might need. I don't know.
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BigSiste
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PostSubject: Re: Need some advice with parents i am new...    Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:01 am

I know that before he met his girlfriend he was a total wreck he quit heroin for this girl was in college with a 3.9 GPA and basically straightened all the wrong things that were wrong with his life for her. I just know leaving him along isn't going to end well.
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KayKay
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PostSubject: Re: Need some advice with parents i am new...    Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:02 am

(((hugs))) He's lucky to have a sister who cares so deeply.
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BigSiste
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PostSubject: Re: Need some advice with parents i am new...    Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:02 am

He still hasn't woken up sorry if i seem naggy or something just brought my laptop to the hospital and haven't left and just really wanting him to wake up and be happy and just there.
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Kat
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PostSubject: Re: Need some advice with parents i am new...    Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:03 am

I am very sorry to hear about your brother & his girlfriend. She must have been someone very special judging from what you have written of her, and a significant loss.

He is very lucky to have a family that cares for him, even if the opinions vary on what may be best.

I have heard before that some doctors recommend waiting to tell terrible news until their patient is stable. I know both options are hard. Telling him right away could cause large emotional distress and destroy his will to live. This is why some people wait until they are at least physically stable. On the other hand, waiting could cause him to resent his family for lying. There is really no way to delay telling him than to lie.

Either choice is hard, and in no way could/should anyone not directly involved be makng this decision for you or your family. If you need to talk though, we are here for you.

Bless your family, and you for being such a strong support for your brother!
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BigSiste
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PostSubject: Re: Need some advice with parents i am new...    Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:03 am

Yeah she was really special she was pretty amazing only girl i have ever liked that has dated him. Brother had to be put into a medical induced coma today. Sad
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danzzheiress
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PostSubject: Re: Need some advice with parents i am new...    Sun Aug 12, 2012 5:19 pm

The best thing to do sometimes is the hardest one. I think you have to tell him at the right time, not at once but not too late..if that makes sense. But in whatever decision your family makes, always be there for him because this is the time when he needs it the most.

I'm sorry for the loss. Sad please be strong for your brother and remind him to be strong as well.
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